How To Build Skincare Rituals That Cultivate Self-Love
Let’s be real. Having good skin is nice, but if you struggle with insecurities and have a tendency to self-deprecate, it’s not enough. So let me be upfront and tell you that skincare can be a TOOL to fostering self-love, but it shouldn’t be the only mechanism you use.
Why care about self-love? Fostering a kind and gentle approach to yourself is the way to go when looking to be either happier or successful.
What does skincare have to do with self-love?
I can see how it may seem contradictory to talk about self-love in the same conversation as skincare. We usually think of skincare as what we do to improve our skin because there’s something about it that we don’t like. We ALL have our own set of insecurities. We turn to skincare in search of improving how we feel about ourselves. If only my pores were smaller; if only I didn’t have these lines around my eyes; if only I didn’t have acne. Then, I would be beautiful. I would be more confident. I would be loved.
I know I’ve personally felt this way. I'm quite an insecure person. I have a very loud and verbal inner critic that's constantly reminding me of all that I am NOT. Growing up, I never felt beautiful, smart, cool, fun, etc. Like many adolescents, I dealt with my fair share of acne. I also have very fair skin and had to be careful with sun exposure from an early age, which led to mocking comments from peers. Additionally, I always felt like I didn't bring anything to the table. Outside of my group of friends, I was always the shy and quiet one.
So since I can remember, I’ve been obsessed with skincare. Maybe it was because it was something I could sort of control. Or at least I could be proactive about it. I could also do it on my own — I spent hours in the bathroom (I still do 😂). I didn't have to engage with anyone else or demonstrate anything to anyone.
As my acne cleared, my confidence grew stronger. But eventually, my insecurities came back and I continued to be displeased with myself. If it’ wasn’t acne, there always was something else I could find being wrong with me and my skin.
I realized that loving myself was much deeper than how I looked
Shouldn’t I just accept myself and all my imperfections if the goal is self-love?
I often worry that emphasizing skincare can be contradicting my preaching for self-love. I guess at some level, we could accept our imperfections as fact and let them be. You should simply accept and love yourself the way you are, right?
If you’re able to do just that and exist in such a superficial focus society, kuddos for you. In being realistic, I acknowledge that certain things are valued in our society, including looks. I’m not saying to just give in, but rather, do both things! There’s plenty of space.
However, I think there are better approaches to how we tackle skincare. And we can do this while also strengthening our self-love.
Simply the act of choosing to care for your skin is an act of self-love. But don't confuse this with the idea that if you don't care for your skin, you can't love yourself (except if you don't wear SPF, in that case, yeah, you don't love or value yourself. just kidding — kinda).
Before you go down the skincare rabbit hole in search for self-love, answer reflect on the following questions:
What are the recurrent messages running in your mind from your inner critic (that loud voice in your head that may be saying you’re not enough, not beautiful, etc)? List all that comes to mind
Think about how these messages serve you and how they keep you safe (even if it’s not ideal). For example, when I tell myself I’m not working hard enough I’m pushing myself for more (there’s evidence that this doesn’t serve you and that it’s actually better to be gentler with yourself, but you get the point). Reflect and journal on this
List five things you love/like about yourself (I always try to remind myself of the positives as well)
You can have the healthiest, clearest, you name it skin, and still be far from self-love. Which is why it’s important to reflect on what other aspects of your life or of yourself are playing a role.
Of course, it’s more than just answering these prompts, but this can be a barometer for how things are internally!
Self-love takes practice and work every day
Using skincare as a tool for self-love
Skincare can either be something you just do as a chore or it can be turned into a ritual. And rituals give you meaning and can help deepen the connection with yourself, which is all that self-love is! Together with the inner work, the rituals you build around your skincare can be great tools.
There’s so much power to rituals. Just like you may have a morning ritual, or a pre-meeting ritual, or a bedtime ritual, skincare can also be that. I recently read that rituals are habits that have an intention (from Casper ter Kuile's book The Power of Ritual: Turning Everyday Activities Into Soulful Practices).
I've written about building habits and incorporating skincare into those positive habits, and this is still important (and maybe even a crucial first step before turning it into a ritual). But once you do establish a regular skincare routine, it can be such a powerful shift into a ritual.
And setting intentions to your skincare routine and building a ritual around it is amazing. Here are some alternative approaches to how you go about your skincare that can be worked into fostering self-love:
Cleansing your face: the day is over, whatever happened stays there. You have an opportunity to erase everything, go to bed, and start a new day tomorrow. Let go of any emotions you experienced throughout the day. Picture yourself rinsing away anything that happened that day; any negative self-talk or inner critic voice, just wash it off as you cleanse your face.
Be intentional about this. Actually visualize all of it going away through your drain as it washes off!
Facial massage: this is one of my favorite self-love practices and something I’m always recommending my clients try. We have the power of touch right at our fingertips and the benefits are so great.
Boosts circulation in the skin
Helps activate the lymphatic system
Releases muscle tension
Besides the benefits for our skin, I find that facial massage is a powerful way to connect with yourself. It's a moment for you to love yourself, pamper yourself, and nourish yourself. Through the magic of our hands, we can help ourselves feel better, less stressed, and even happier. How, you ask? This was beautifully explained in this article and researched by the Touch Research Institute at UM.
Pressure receptors under your skin are stimulated when massaged
This in turn slows the nervous system down and reduces heart rate
Blood pressure is also reduced
You get very relaxed because of the above, and so cortisol (the stress hormone) decreases!
Serotonin (a mood stabilizing hormone) also increases
Lastly, touch is connected with the vagus nerve which is highly associated with well-being!
As you massage your skin you can remind yourself: “I nurture myself and my skin. I have the power of touch through my own hands.”
Additionally, I love to play some inspiring music and connect with my inner self
Applying serums or moisturizer: you don’t need a 10-step routine to make it a ritual. But in every step that you do add, you can continue to bring this intention to it. Remember that your skin is resilient and so are you. Your skin is a smart organ that communicates with you and as you learn to listen to it, you learn to listen to yourself. Being gentle with your skin is being gentle with yourself.
You can repeat to yourself this beautiful mantra “I love and accept myself as I am” (yes, that includes ALL of you)
Your skin is beautiful the way it is and you're enough.
SPF: nothing says I love you more than protection. Enters your new reason why you’re using sunscreen, maybe? Remember that your skin is worth protecting!
Every time you don’t want to apply SPF, remind yourself that this is an act of self-love. You have the power to protect it.
Similarly to setting boundaries for yourself and your mental health, you have the power to shielding yourself from unwanted thoughts. Or at least to recognize them, being loving towards them, and setting them free.
And if nothing else, spending even just five minutes of your day with yourself locked in the bathroom doing your skincare can be powerful. And an amazing self-love statement that makes it clear that YOU’RE WORTHY OF IT ALL!
Will skincare be the answer to loving myself?
In case I didn’t make myself clear, no. There’s no one thing that you can do that will be the magic pill. Self-love is something you nurture every day, and it can be quite complex. Does skincare take over therapy, meditation, journaling? NO. It's part of all these.
Additionally, here are some other practices that have helped me be more loving towards myself:
Affirmations have meant a lot for me. I don't think that you can just change how you feel by repeating something positive every day. But I do think that reminding yourself every day how awesome you are PAIRED with the other tools you have for your wellbeing can be transformational. I feel much more confident in myself, more accepting of my skin and image in general, and it feels easier to accept that I AM beautiful, smart, worthy.
Finding a positive twist to something I don't like about myself is super helpful. A therapist I used to see always asked me how X problem or issue (whatever we were working on) served me. For example, if I was upset at the fact that I didn't feel enough, the flip side is that this feeling motivates me to work on myself. Or how my crows’ feet are a sign that I've laughed a lot throughout my life.
Additionally, by reminding myself of the things I do like about myself, I stop myself from discounting the positive. This is typically a cognitive distortion: insisting that your positive qualities don't count (ex. I have beautiful eyes but who cares because they're surrounded by fine lines and wrinkles)
Ultimately, having good skin won’t make you happier or completely love yourself, unless you’re also doing the other aspects of the work!
P.S.
Self-love is important and IMO a key component to any skincare journey
You can have the best skin of your life, but without self-love, you’ll still feel unworthy, unlovable, etc.
Work on your skin AND your mind
Build skincare rituals that support your self-love journey!
Both skincare and self-love require consistency! They’re a journey and not achieved overnight